Hello, tyler.
Quote: "The fact Microsoft relies solely on automated responses and won't let you get in contact with an actual human anymore is an absolute travesty for customer support."
Log in to the MS account (which is fine, for example, with which you wrote on this forum) on the page https://support.microsoft.com/en-US/home/contact?SourceApp=smc2&ContactUsExperienceEntryPointAssetId=www.microsoft.com
In the search bar, type (without quotes) "agent support" and press Enter or click on Get Help. Ignore the search results, and click on the "Contact Support" button at the bottom. On the next page, select "Microsoft 365 and Office" and "Technical Support" from the drop-down lists, and then click on "Confirm". Next, select the chat "Chat with a support agent in your web browser" and on the next page enter your (the one that works) email address and click on "Confirm". A chat window will open in a new tab. Wait for the operator to respond and explain the situation to him.
Note. The chat is available during business hours and on business days according to US time.